The Strange Society goes to the Beach

By Dangerously Psycho

     One warm morning, the Strange Society decided to take a break from its usual reign of terror.
     The Strange Society is a group of Niles West students on a mission of destruction. Their ethnic group consists of Sicko, who immensely enjoys riding on Maierhofer school busses with no shocks; Annoying, who joins every club at Niles West individually and attends the meetings until he is its last remaining member; Dangerously Psycho, who once tried to start his own 1-900 number that predicted deaths of various murder victims called the Psycho Network; Drum Boy, who enjoys watching Bugs Bunny fool Daffy Duck into playing his own booby-trapped marimba over and over again; GOD, who pays constant visits to the homes of Jehovah's Witnesses just to bother them; and What DeHelizat, who's known as TaZilehed Tahw in the Mirror World.
     On this particular sunny day, the six were about to enjoy a day on the shores of Lake Michigan.
     "We have to find the perfect place to set up," remarked Psycho.
     "Yeah," agreed Drum Boy, "someplace in the sun."
     "Here's a good spot," declared What. "It's warm, dry, and upwind to the industrial regions."
     "Perfect!" Psycho laid down the blood-stained blanket he was carrying, unrolled it, and kicked aside the body it had concealed. "Did you bring the food, GOD?"
     "Certainly. Ambrosia and nectar, my favorites," GOD lifted up the basket he'd been carrying. "Hey, it's empty! Who...?"
     "*BURP*" said Annoying.
     "Great, now wuddarwe gonna' eat?" questioned Sicko.
     "Apparently, this is going to be another one of those episodes where we all split up and look for food," realized Psycho. "Can we please not have any mention of Phoenix eggs in this one? I don't think anybody got it the first time."
     "Consider it done," replied What. "In fact, I'll go by myself to find us something to eat. Why don't you all just busy yourselves for awhile?"
     "Sure!" agreed Sicko, observing some bathing suit-clad females near the lake.
     "Wuddarwe doing?" asked Annoying, who had been staring off into space.
     The six scattered in different directions.


     Sicko took off like a shot and approached his prey.
     "Uh, hey, so, like, is this one of those, well, you know, bathing suits that, uhhhhh, turns, heh, sheer when you go in the water?"
     SMACK!
     Sicko received painful slap to the face, and his victim ran off in disgust.
     "Heh, heh. I said that."


     Annoying was walking along the sand when he heard many voices shouting from all directions.
     "My baby! Somebody save my baby!"
     "Oh, no! My kitty! Help my kitty!"
     "Help, help! My leg is trapped under the pier and the tide is rising... again!"
     "Just leave everything to me!" promised Annoying, dashing into a nearby Port-o-John. In a few seconds, he jumped out, clad in a mask, cape, and trademark measuring tool.
     "I am Suuuuuupeerrr Prooootraactoorrr Maaaaaaaaaan!" Running toward the sidewalk, the super hero removed the plastic device from his forehead and made a few quick calculations. "Calibrating for wind speed and velocity... speed of vehicle... slant of pole is 87.9284 to ground, or 0.488491 radians... got it!" Super Protractor Man grabbed onto a flagpole and swung on it, scooping up an endangered cat from the path of a runaway baby carriage.
     "Let's see..." calculated Super Protractor Man. "Sidewalk is at curved decline... atmospheric pressure at 762 torr... got it!" The hero picked up a stick and threw it ahead of the baby carriage, directly into its path. The carriage hit and lifted a foot off the ground, sending the child flying back into the caped boy's arms. Seconds later, the then empty carriage fell over into a pile of discarded hypodermic needles.
     "Help...*GLUG*!"
     Handing the baby to her mother, Super Protractor Man ran toward the pier. "There's no time for any calculations. In fact, if I'm correct, I only have 7.463392 seconds to act! I have to save that drowning boy, and I'll have to use every bit of my power!" Quickly, the hero performed a tremendous cannonball into the lake. "Look... at... my... butt!" enunciated Super Protractor Man with much difficulty. The water around him immediately evaporated, along with a portion of the pier.
     "Thank you, Super Protractor Man!" acknowledged the boy, who was now covered with second degree burns.
     "No problem, son," said the hero as he climbed back up to the shore. A few seconds later, the water came crashing back, dragging the boy out to the center of the lake. Super Protractor Man returned to the Port-o-John and emerged once more as Annoying.


     Drum Boy was swimming alone about 200 meters from shore when he was approached by one of those notorious lake sharks, the kind that only exist in stories which don't stick very closely to realism. Unfortunately, Drum Boy didn't see the shark, but he could hear the sound of a baritone.
     "duh...dum"
     "Huh?" asked Drum Boy. With no response, he continued on.
     "duh...dum"
     "That time I know I heard something!" he yelled. "Who's here?"
     "duh, dum, duh, dum..."
     Slowly, Drum Boy turned around.
     "duh-dum-duh-dum-duh-dum-duh-dum!"
     "LAKE SHARK!" Drum Boy immediately began running atop the water all the way to shore to escape his predator. On the way, he passed GOD who was also walking on the water.
     "Amateur," muttered GOD.


     "Hey, uh, I'm going to like, swim naked now if you'd like to 'join' me, uh, yeah," offered Sicko to another girl.
     SMACK!


     Psycho was wandering around on the beach when he saw a park worker picking up trash with a stick with a needle on its end. This object intrigued him, so he formed a plan to get it.
     Psycho stood behind the Parks Dep. pickup truck parked at the street and pushed, sending it rolling into traffic, and ran back to where the man was working.
     "Sir, is that your truck?" asked Psycho, pointing to the vehicle which was just then entering the oncoming lane.
     "AHHHHHHHHH!" The worker dropped his things and ran toward the street. Psycho picked up his newfound toy and walked to the water.


     Dude, the wandering technician, was at home perfecting his latest device when his phone rang. I won't elaborate on this situation, however, because Dude isn't even in this story.


     "Hey, if you, uh, plan to do any sunbathing, like, later or something, my body works as a really comfortable blanket!"
     SMACK!


     Underneath the waves exists a beautiful, serene scene. Though appearing from the outside to be a cold, uninviting place, it is actually warm and vibrant with schools of colorful fish enjoying their happiness, undisturbed by the...
     "Blllere's one!" shouted Scuba-Psycho, stabbing madly with the sharp pole he'd acquired. "Blllall right! Fish kabob!" Briefly surfacing for air, Psycho counted the tiny fish he had harpooned and dove under for more.


     What was searching for the food he had promised his companions. Wandering the streets without much luck, he was deterred by a clown who was entertaining a small group of children.
     "Hello!" greeted the clown. "Tell me your name!"
     "What."
     "Tell me your name, I said."
     "What."
     "Your name."
     "It is."
     "Hold on, let me start over. Hello, kid! What is your name."
     "You had it right the first time."
     "No... I won't let myself be confused here, I'm used to this kind of thing!"
     "Just accept it," suggested What. "It eventually happens to everyone."
     "Huh?"
     "Who?"
     "Meatloaf?"
     "YEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSS! FINALLY!" Annoying's cries could be heard the entire seven blocks away.
     "Let me get this straight..." tried the clown.
     "Don't bother," interrupted What. "It would only get boring if we dwelled on it any longer." What walked back toward the beach, leaving the baffled clown behind. One of the small children began to cry.
     "I'll get you for this, boy," muttered the clown under his breath. "No one, NO ONE confuses me. I don't know who you are yet, but you haven't seen the last of Pat the Clown!"


     "Hey, I have a great idea! Let's, heh, begin a, you-know, nude beach! C'mon, let's take off our bathing suits right now!"
     SMACK!
     PUNCH!
     KAPOW!


     GOD and Drum Boy were throwing around a beach ball and Annoying was asleep on the blanket when What got back to their picnicking site.
     "Hey, where's the food?" asked Drum Boy.
     "Yeah, what gives," explained GOD.
     "It's a long story and it involves a clown, and you know how Psycho reacts to clowns," began What. "By the way, where is Psycho?"
     "Sicko's over there on the coast being beaten up by somebody's lifeguard boyfriend, but I have no idea where Psycho is," explained Drum Boy.
     Suddenly, numerous screaming people rushed out of the water. The lifeguard ran to investigate, releasing Sicko. A large mass of seaweed was running up onto the shore.
     "Oh, there he is," observed What.
     Sicko and the human salad joined the conversation.
     "So how were your days?" asked Psycho, slicing his way out of the mass with an axe blade.
     "Encouraging," answered Sicko with a smile.
     "Unfortunately, we still don't have any food," revealed What.
     "Oh, that's ok," answered Psycho. "I just filled up on sushi."
     "'That' is usually more than just ok," added Sicko.
     "Well I'm hungry," whined Drum Boy. "And I was hardly in this episode, too. Gimme a break!"
     "Well then why don't we just go hunting?" suggested GOD.
     "In the city? Where are we gonna' find anything downtown?" questioned Sicko.
     "Lincoln Park Zoo, duh," explained What.
     "Oh, I've been there!" shouted Psycho. "It's great! The animals are all in cages and can't even run away! Wuddarwe waiting for?"
     "Wuddarwe doing?" asked Annoying, who had just woken up.
     "Let's go!"
     The five ran off with Annoying soon chasing behind.



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Last page update: 8-10-98