The Strange Society vs. the Sailor Scouts

By Dangerously Psycho

     One school day, the Strange Society members found themselves in trouble.
     The Strange Society is a group of Niles West students on a mission of destruction. Their ethnic group consists of Sicko, who understands the phrase "watch it, you'll poke someone's eye out with that thing"; Annoying, who can make even roaches leave the vicinity; Dangerously Psycho, who knows that the new Ginsu knife can cut the old Ginsu knife in halves, quarters, eighths, and eventually zucchini; Drum Boy, who answers the gods when it thunders; GOD, who sends the gods E-mail when it doesn't thunder; and What DeHelizat, who understands the true value of a dollar: 87.
     On this particular afternoon, the five original Strange Table members found themselves in a conflict due to Sicko's actions. Now they were face-to-face with five girls and a couple of cats.
     "We've got to settle this fairly," whispered Psycho.
     "Yeah," vocalized Drum Boy, "with heavy objects!"
     "He's the one who was peeping at us in the locker room!" shouted one of the five girls.
     "You said 'peeping'," noted Sicko.
     "And just wuddoyou plan to do about our friend?" asked Psycho.
     "Please say 'whip him', please!" pleaded Sicko to himself.
     "We're going to turn him over to the authorities," answered one of them. "I'm sure Mr. Puff will know what to do with him."
     "Yeah, sure! Just like he knows what to do about his gravity!" shouted Annoying. "We aren't letting you take him anywhere!"
     "You all made a fatal error," stated What. "You face the Strange Society!"
     "No, not those guys!" whined one of the girls.
     "Yeah, I've heard of them," agreed a girl with blue hair. "Should we fight them?"
     "They're not from the Negaverse, but it would probably aid the planet anyway," suggested a cross-eyed girl with black hair.
     "Are you girls sure about this?" questioned one of the cats.
     "Right, let's do it! Moon, crystal, power!"
     "Mercury power!"
     "Mars power!"
     "Jupiter power!"
     "Venus power!"
     Each of the girls began spinning around while their fingernails and some background music gave their clothing ribbons.
     "I'm Sailor Moon, and on behalf of the moon, I will punish you!"
     The Society stared at this new threat. Drum Boy yawned.
     "So?" asked Sicko. "I can do, huh, 'that' too!" Sicko held up his hand and began spinning around to the Gogo theme. When he stopped, he was wearing a sailor's suit. "I'm Sailor Yeranus, and on behalf of your moon, I will pleasure you!"
     "Sicko, this is just about the most disgusting thing ever to appear in one of these stories," stated What.
     "Sorry, but I couldn't resist," apologized Sailor Sicko.
     The Sailor Scouts and Strange Society paced off and faced each other.


     Mercury was Psycho's opposition.
     "I had blue hair once," declared Psycho. "I can't remember what I was sniffing at the time, though."
     "Mercury bubbles!" Hundreds of cold bubbles flew from her hands and filled the area.
     "It's getting, c-cold!" realized Drum Boy.
     Suddenly, all of the bubbles began popping. Mercury watched in horror as Psycho's axe eradicated each globule. "Thanks for the practice, blue-top," acknowledged Psycho, just before swinging his weapon in her direction.


     "Jupiter thunder!" A solid stream of lightning flew at Sailor Sicko. To Jupiter's surprise, though, he stood unharmed. "I, I don't understand! How could you survive the electric blast?"
     "Just one word," explained Sailor Sicko, "rubber!" The teen began chasing the screaming girl around the parking lot.


     What decided he would be Sailor Venus's doom-bearer.
     "Isn't it redundant having a second blonde Scout?" queried What.
     "What's wrong with my hair?" asked the angry girl.
     "Sure, blame me for the inconsistency!"
     "Huh?"
     "Who?"
     "Meatball Head?"
     "Let me get this straight... Venus Love Chain and Sickle!" A string of hearts flew toward What.
     "Oh, boy!" shouted What. He grabbed the chain and twisted it into a question mark.
     "But that's impossible!" shrieked Venus.
     "No 'that' isn't!" retorted Sailor Sicko, still chasing Jupiter.
     "You can't... I mean..." stuttered Venus. "...the chain is an intangible object!"
     "Just like my mind!" answered What.
     "SWOOSH!" To everyone's surprise, a red rose rooted itself between the two. A voice called out from the roof.
     "I am Tuxedo Mask!" introduced the figure. "Sailor Venus, you must never give up. The key to defeating these teenagers is, *OOF*!!" A large oak tree flew into the person from behind and knocked him off the roof. A new figure spoke.
     "I am GOD, dammit! I'm going to kick your moon!"
     As What finished strangling Venus with her own chain, he investigated the boy laying under the tree. "Wait a minute, you're not Tuxedo Mask!" observed What. He unmasked the figure. "You're Josh Byer!"
     "Well, um, I guess I should be going now!" The caped Byer dashed across Oakton, was hit by a truck, and continued running down Menard.


     Sailor Mars turned on Drum Boy. With a war cry, she slapped a charm onto his forehead.
     "Post-it note?" pondered Drum Boy aloud. He pulled off the paper, examined it, and threw it away.
     "How did you...?" Mars planted another on his face.
     "Hey, that's starting to hurt!"
     "Repeated 'that' sometimes does," stated Sailor Sicko, still chasing Jupiter.
     "How can you resist the paralyzing effect of my charms?" asked a frantic Mars.
     "Oh, is that what this is?" Drum Boy removed the second paper from his forehead and looked at it. "I can't understand a word on these things!" He crumpled the charm and pulled out a pair of mallets. He was about to strike, but he couldn't. "Wait, I can't hit a girl! What am I thinking?"
     "Mars, Fire, Ignite!" A stream of pure fire flew toward Drum Boy, who fended it off with his mallets. A few seconds later he stood there holding a pair of charred sticks and his face coated with dark ashes.
     "MY MALLETS! YOU'VE BURNED MY FAVORITE MALLETS!" Producing another pair of sticks, Drum Boy pounced on the shocked Mars in a frenzy. She was defeated in seconds, but he kept going until all that remained of the Sailor Scout was a thick puddle.
     "Cool!" stated Psycho. "I've never seen someone terminate another so well with an object that isn't even pointed!"
     "Uh, thanks Psycho."


     As she witnessed her friends being pulverized, Sailor Moon was approached by Annoying. "Wow, do you ever wipe your moon with that hair of yours?"
     "Aaahhh! I don't wanna fi-i-ight!" sobbed Sailor Moon, cowering away from the Bane of Annoyance.
     "Sailor Moon, listen to me! You just have to have faith in your abilities!" assured the blue cat. "Use your tiara!"
     "Oh, yeah, ok!" agreed Sailor Moon with a sudden mood swing. "Moon, tiara..."
     "You think I can be struck down with some cheapo jewelry?" asked Annoying.
     "...magic!" The head wear swirled into a flying disk and flew toward Annoying.
     "Power of the Protractor!" A swirling piece of plastic collided with her own projectile, severing the tiara into two pieces.
     "Aaaaahhhhh! Luuuunaaaaa!" sobbed the girl once again.
     "Forget it, Serena. Luna and I are outta' here," answered the white cat. The two felines darted across the parking lot.
     "Hey, Sailor Chick! Lookatmymoon!" The Scout fell to the ground, never to lift her head again.


     "Well, that was fun," concluded What.
     "'That' usually is," agreed Sailor Sicko, carrying the tied-up and unconscious Jupiter over his shoulder. "So, Psycho, can I keep the remains this time?"
     "But I want their spleens!"
     "Don't worry, it's not the spleens I want."
     "Can you please ditch the crummy Cracker-jack outfit now?" requested GOD. "I'm getting embarrassed hanging around with you."
     "I'm usually embarrassed hanging around with him anyway." added Drum Boy.
     What picked up the Luna Pen, which was dropped by Sailor Moon during the fight. He made a mental note that he'd give it to Arrogant in the temple. This paragraph is not here just so I can use the fact that we possess the Luna Pen, which can magically change the appearance of the holder, in a future episode. Stop being suspicious and finish reading the story!
     "Did any of you guys notice anything weird about those girls we just mutilated?" questioned Sailor Sicko.
     "Well, let's see." thought Psycho. "They were five girls with perfect forms who commanded the powers of different planets, were friends with some flowery guy in a penguin suit, and took advice from a pair of talking cats with moons tattooed to their fur. No, they're just as normal as you and me."
     "Yeah, you're right, I don't know what I must've been thinking."
     "Hey, do you realize that this is the very first episode with no mention of Dude? Oh, never mind," spoke Drum Boy.
     "So now wuddowedo?" pondered What.
     "I think those cats went thataway," revealed Psycho. Anyone ever try filet-a-la-feline?"
     "Good idea, Psycho!" commended GOD. "Do you have an apple peeler with you?"
     "You know I do!" The six ran off to hunt some talking cats.



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Last page update: 8-10-98