The Strange Society Goes to the Hospital

By Dangerously Psycho

     One weekend, the Strange Society found itself in the waiting room of Lutheran General Hospital.
     The Strange Society is a group of Niles West students on a mission of destruction. Their ethnic group consists of Sicko, who has developed a great, low-cost method of manufacturing glue without a dead horse; Annoying, who hopes someday to go into advertising; Dangerously Psycho, who knows that Spam is made of Soylent Green; Drum Boy, who can make even cotton resonate; GOD, who knows the mysteries of the universe and will tell them to you for $20; and What DeHelizat, who makes logicians cry.
     On this particular Saturday, the Strange Society was in a reception room chanting the Gogo theme.
     "Will you people please leave now?" pleaded the nurse.
     "But it is imperative that we see our friend!" retorted Psycho.
     "Yeah," explained Drum Boy. "You see, our colleague is here being treated for an accidental electrocution."
     "Not unlike the intentional electrocutions," added Annoying.
     "Anyway, can you please tell us which room Dude is staying in?" asked What.
     "I've told you six already, there aren't any visitors allowed in the burn ward. Please leave the premises..."
     "Ahhhh! Ahh, hah, nooooo!" A doctor ran through the room with his hair aflame.
     "Never mind," concluded GOD. "I believe we'll be able to locate him ourselves." The nurse, busy attending the panic-stricken doctor, didn't notice the six teenagers walk through the double-doors, splitting up in the main patient area.

     Sicko followed a series of hallways until he found himself in another waiting room. He sat down next to a very nervous man.
     "Hey, wudderyou waiting for?" queried Sicko.
     "An operation," answered the man.
     "Oh. This must be a ball," responded Sicko. The man shifted his position in his chair.
     "Mr. Peterson? The doctor will see you now," called the nurse at the desk. The man stood up, took a deep breath and walked through the doorway to the operating room. A few minutes later, another man entered the waiting room from the hallway.
     "Are you here for an operation, too?" questioned Sicko.
     "Y-yes, I am," he responded.
     "The tension here is so thick, you could, heh, heh, 'feel it'," stated Sicko. "So, is this costing you a lot?"
     "A considerable amount," answered the man.
     "Too bad. A load of cash down the tubes." The man adjusted his position in his chair.
     "Yeah, well, I'm pretty nervous about this, y-know? It's like, I'm not completely sure that this is entirely necessary. It's really pretty... upsetting," rambled the man.
     A few minutes later, Mr. Peterson hobbled back through the waiting room out the door. "Mr. Johnson?" called the nurse. "We're running a bit ahead of schedule. The doctor can see you now."
     "You said 'ahead'."
     "Um, but," stammered the man, "I believe that this young gentleman was here first."
     "Ok, then. The doctor will see you now," agreed the nurse, looking at Sicko.
     "Huh?" said Sicko, suddenly aware of the situation. "But, wait a minute, I'm not here for... what was I waiting for, anyway?"
     "Your vasectomy operation," explained the nurse.
     "Va-va-va...?" repeated a panicked Sicko.

     Drum Boy decided that if he was going to find Dude's room, he was going to have to ask for help.
     "Excuse me..." he began
     "My name is Dr. Patel. I am asking what you are wanting."
     "Would you happen to know..."
     "I am Dr. Patel. Please now be telling me what you are wanting."
     "Hey, don't I know you..."
     "You are beginning to bother me, young man. I am Dr. Patel."
     "Could you tell me where..."
     "You have pestered me enough. Go away."
     "Listen to me, you..."
     "I am telling you to leave now."
     Angered, Drum Boy took two IV stands and pounded the doctor flat.

     GOD wandered into a room where three doctors and a frantic lady had surrounded a bed.
     "What's going on?" asked GOD.
     "It's my son, he's going into seizure!" explained the lady.
     "Yeah, that would suck, wouldn't it? Tell you what. Give me a dollar," demanded the teenager.
     "Just give me a dollar, bimbo!" Panicked, she did as GOD said.
     "Thanks." GOD placed his hand on the boy's forehead.
     "Mom? W-where am I?" spoke the boy.
     "Jimmy! You're OK!" shouted the lady. GOD left the room as she hugged her son and the doctors looked at each other in disbelief. He put the cash in his wallet, with many other crumpled dollar bills, and went on to the next emergency room.

     What found himself in a doctors' lounge.
     "Hey, do any of you guys know how to graft a third arm onto somebody's forehead?" he inquired.
     "You want us to do what?"
     "No, if I wanted to be done, I'd go to the nurses' lounge!" retorted What.
     "Koch's daughter?"
     "Let me get this straight, you want someone to attach a human limb to your forehead?" queried the MD.
     "Only if you have an extra one sitting around somewhere," answered What.
     "Well, I'll check, but I'm not making any promises."

     Psycho could hear screaming on the opposite side of the hospital. He went out through the door of the blood bank and into the hallway.
     "Hey, Psycho!" called Annoying. "Any luck finding Dude's room?"
     "Nope, *burp* not yet, anyway," answered Psycho.
     "You kind of have some..." Annoying made a wiping motion over his chin.
     "Oh, thanks." Psycho wiped the red liquid from the corner of his mouth. "Did you find it?"
     "I'm not sure, but I think that may be it there." Annoying pointed down the hallway to a door where a doctor was bandaging his own arm, screaming. The two approached the man.
     "Excuse me, is this Dude's room?" queried Annoying.
     "Yes, but you can't go in there! That boy's psychotic!"
     "No, he's dudetic. My friend here is annoytic, and I'm psychotic," explained Psycho.
     "Do you know how to cure large, unsightly blemishes?" interrogated Annoying, totally changing the subject.
     "Well, yes. Most kinds, I guess..."
     "Then could you lookatmybutt?" The doctor fainted then and there.
     "Let's find the others, not explain how, and jump to the next scene as though no time had elapsed," suggested Psycho.
     "Ok," agreed Annoying.

     "Well, it looks like we're all here," assessed What. "Let's go into Dude's room." The six teenagers walked into the room.
     "Dude, put down your bomb," commanded What. "It's us, the Strange Society." Dude put down the apparatus he'd constructed out of his electrocardiograph. (You know, that machine that beeps and graphs your heart beats, you pathetic ignoramus.)
     "Why are you so angry with all the doctors, anyway?" asked Drum Boy.
     "Yeah, did they try to slice your package, too?" added Sicko. Everyone stared at Sicko. "Never mind."
     "Why have you maimed half of the staff?" repeated Annoying.
     "Yeah, if you don't kill them on the first try, they may not come back for you to finish the job," added Psycho. Everyone stared at Psycho. "Never mind."
     "You said 'cum'."
     "Why did you, oh just give us an answer," stated What.
     "Dude, du-du-dude, d-dude," explained the technician.
     "Oh, of course! Well, I'm glad that's all settled," proclaimed Drum Boy.
     "Yup, let's go," agreed What.
     "So which'll we go after today?" pondered Annoying. "Eagle? How about house cat?"
     "I still want to go for Martian," suggested Psycho.
     "Let's just hunt whatever we find," offered GOD.
     "He said 'that's all settled'."
     The six left their friend to find the hospital's tranquilizer guns and protractors.

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