The Strange Table Goes to the Supermarket

By Dangerously Psycho

     One day, the Strange Table made a unanimous decision during lunch which would affect the entire population.
     The Strange Table is a group of Niles West students who claim and dominate any table in the Caf near Uncle Bob's Hot Dogs and Genetic Research Facility from mods seventeen through nineteen. Their ethnic group consists of Sicko, whose witty anecdotes are sure to make you queasy in moments; Annoying, who has officially been named a curse in eleven countries and seventeen states; Dangerously Psycho, who has been rumored to have appeared at both Woodstocks; Drum Boy, who can channel the power of rhythm through any pair of sticks; Dude, the wandering technician; and What, who is old, wise, and almost has his license.
     On this particular day, the Strange Table decided that the Caf was charging way too much for their food.
     "Something must be done!" stated Psycho.
     "Hey, look who's coming..." said Drum Boy.
     "Someone's cumming? Oh, nasty!" interrupted Sicko.
     "Hey, Dude," greeted Psycho.
     "Dude, du-dude?" asked the drifter.
     "No, we don't have any money," answered What, "the cafeteria just simply charges too much."
     Distressed, the traveler wandered off.
     "So, wuddawedo now?" asked Annoying. "How can we get the Caf to lower its prices?"
     "I have a plan!" blurted Psycho. "We start by poisoning all the food! When everyone dies and business goes down, they'll be forced to lower their prices! Then, all we have to do is..."
     "You know what happened last time we followed your advice, Psycho," broke in Drum Boy, "we narrowly avoided death at the hands of a sickle-wielding pom pon squad."
     "Oh, yeah. That was pretty fun."
     "Of course!" determined What. "If we decreased their sales by buying our food elsewhere, it just might force them to lower the price of their lunches!"
     "Which would mean less profit for Niles West, tax increases, and possibly dismantling the Field House!" added Annoying. "When do we start?"
     "When do we start? Oh, nasty!"
     After school that day, the Strange Table congregated at a nearby Jewel.
     "Now, I wrote you all shopping lists," began What. "We'll meet in front of the store in fifteen minutes." He passed out the lists and the clan dispersed throughout the store.

     "Excuse me, Mr...Fukov," asked Sicko, reading the name tag of a Jewel personnel, "do you carry contraceptives?"
     "My name is Major Fukov. My father was a general in the Soviet army. There, the name 'Fukov' was a symbol of power, respect, and dignity!"
     "Why'd you move here then?"
     "Our cafeteria began demanding too much money."

     Annoying got bored quickly and went to an empty cashier's lane. Seeing the PA microphone, he had an idea.
     "Price check on aisle five, Always pads with wings!"
     "Will someone get Oliver Klosoph at aisle seven?"
     "License number VIC 600, your car has exploded in the parking lot!"
     "I'm Super Protractor Maaaaaaan!"

     Drum Boy's list included a stop at the deli counter.
     "Excuse me..." he began
     "My name is Mr. Patel. I am asking what you are wanting."
     "Would you happen to have..."
     "I am Mr. Patel. Please now be telling me what you are wanting."
     "Um, I need some..."
     "You are beginning to bother me, young man. I am Mr. Patel."
     "I see. I would like..."
     "You have pestered me enough. Go away."
     "I am telling you to leave now."
     Angered, Drum Boy took two Polish sausages and pounded the counter flat.

     What was having trouble finding one of his items.
     "Can you tell me where to find a dozen Phoenix eggs?" he asked an attendant.
     "Let me check with my supervisor. Sir, do we have any 'Phoenix eggs'?"
     "What is a 'Phoenix egg'?"
     "No I'm not!" retorted What.
     "Soybean oil?"
     "Let me get this straight. You want eggs from Arizona?"
     "No, nothing that rare. Just the kind with the power of eternal life."
     "Oh. We're all out of those."

     Meanwhile, Psycho was at the express lane checkout counter with seventeen Boboli pizzas.
     "I have a coupon," said Psycho.
     "Well hurry up," answered the worker.
     The people in line began to get rowdy as Psycho took three minutes searching his pockets before producing a crumpled piece of paper.
     "Here you go," offered Psycho.
     "But this coupon is for a free haircut at BoRic's!"
     "That's ok. I cut my own hair."

     An hour later, the group met out front again, empty handed.
     "Well, that was a bust." said Annoying.
     "A bust? Where?" shouted an ecstatic Sicko.
     "Why don't we just hunt for our food?" suggested Psycho.
     "That's the best idea you've had all day," answered What as the five walked off toward the forest preserve.

[ST HomePage] [Previous story] [Next story in sequence]

Questions? Comments? Suggestions? Deep Concern? Please contact me,
Last page update: 8-10-98