The Strange Society and the Clown

By Dangerously Psycho

     One Friday, the Strange Society congregated at Madhu's Pizza after school.
     The Strange Society is a group of Niles West students on a mission of destruction. Their ethnic group consists of Sicko, who recently suffered a massive "stroke"; Annoying, whose answering machine has a fifteen-minute message and three seconds of recording time; Dangerously Psycho, who plays volleyball with a real, metal spike; Drum Boy, who rakes leaves just so he can blow up the pile afterwards; GOD, whose name appears on more US currency than the treasurer's; and What DeHelizat, who can understand IRS forms and file them in such a way that he makes profit.
     On this particular afternoon, the Strange Society was attempting to agree on toppings.
     "It's got to have black olives on it, dammit!" insisted Psycho.
     "Just so long as you don't try to bring my cat into this again," offered Drum Boy.
     "Oh, but Sam's so delicious!" argued What.
     From across the street, someone was watching the Society through a pair of binoculars.
     "So, there he is! The one who confounded me and put my position at risk in the hierarchy," spoke the observer under his breath. He polished the lenses and brought the binoculars to his face again with a comical squeak of the nose. "This time I'm ready for him, though. He'll rue the day he ever confused Pat the Clown!"
     The clown rose menacingly from behind the bushes which had concealed him. His face bore an evil grin.

     Inside the pizza place, the Society was cheering on as Psycho downed another cup of soda.
     "How many izzat now?" asked Sicko.
     "Twelve," replied GOD, "but Annoying looks like he's ready to chug even more."
     "You bet!" promised Annoying, who picked up two more cups and gulped them down with minimal effort.
     "Wow! Fourteen sodas for Annoying, and he even swallowed the cups!" cheered Drum Boy. "How are you looking, Psycho?"
     To be exact, Psycho looked like he wouldn't uncross his legs if Operation Destruction depended on it. "Um... does this place have a bathroom?" questioned Psycho sheepishly.
     "No, go across the street," answered Madhu from behind the counter.
     "Ugggghhhh..." Psycho carefully stood up and darted out the door.
     "Undefeated again!" shouted Annoying, who celebrated with a cup of soda.
     His celebration didn't last long, however, for just then a large clown bounded into Madhu's. "You, the confusing one!" he demanded. "I've come to exact my revenge against you!"
     The Society stared at the new threat. Annoying belched. Madhu looked at his watch and returned to the pizza ovens.
     "Who are you?" asked Drum Boy.
     "My name happens to be Pat the Clown!"
     "Oh, nasty!"
     "I was in my prime, entertaining children and enjoying it, until this teenager jeopardized my position. I was humiliated and nearly lost my standing in the hierarchy of clowns!" explained Pat.
     "Who did you say you are?" asked What.
     "Pat the Clown!!!"
     "Oh, nasty!"
     "Oh, pleased to meet you. My name is What," greeted DeHelizat with an extended hand.
     "How should I know? You refused to tell me!"
     "You're supposed to shake the hand," explained GOD.
     "I wasn't talking about that!" shrieked the clown.
     "Well, I should certainly hope not," responded Sicko. "Someone who works with children and all..."
     "You're all in this together..." realized the clown. "These are all your friends! You knew I was coming! You arranged this little charade!!!" The clown was speaking directly to What. "When I was stalking you, you, in turn, were stalking me!!!"

     From within the Bane World, Anonymous the Paranoic began to sense a link to human Earth. "Yes! An immensely paranoid human to toy with!"

     "JUST TELL ME," screamed the clown. "BEFORE I KILL YOU, WHAT IS YOUR NAME?"
     "What is my name."
     "Well," spoke the clown calmly, "if this is the way you're going to play it, I'll simply call you by the name of What!"
     "DeHelizat." completed the Bane of Confusion.
     "Your first name is DeHelizat?" asked the clown.
     "What," he corrected.
     "DeHelizat," repeated the clown.
     "No, you've got them switched."
     "DeHelizat is what, your first or last name?"
     "Which one?"
     "I'M ASKING YOU!"
     "Pick one."
     "First name. Tell me your first name!"
     "AAAAARRRRRRRGGHHHHH! I will not let this happen to me again. Is your name DeHelizat?"
     "What DeHelizat."
     "The DeHelizat I'm speaking to!!!"
     "Yes, What."
     "Let me get this straight," spoke the clown, "your name is... What... DeHelizat?"
     The clown, relieved, sat down. "Well I'm glad we got this all straightened out. Now I can kill you."
     "You can wuh?" spoke Drum Boy.
     "Now, face the eternal damnation of Pat the Clown!"
     "Oh, nasty!"
     "Hey, everybody," announced Annoying, "Lookatmybutt!"
     "Gasp!" The clown was paralyzed by the sight of Annoying's grotesque hindside. "Who are all of you, anyway?!"
     "We're the Strange Society," spoke GOD. "They're Sicko, Drum Boy, Annoying, and you already know What. Dangerously Psycho's going to the bathroom somewhere. I'm GOD, the orchestrator of the apocalypse. Arrogant is in the Temple of Strangeness."
     "I'm Madhu," spoke Madhu, picking up the ringing phone.
     "Dude!" introduced Dude, who'd called to introduce himself.
     "Um, hi," spoke Cello Girl who was walking by outside.
     A voice inside the clown's head spoke next. "I'm Choir Boy, aka Anonymous, aka Skye Valentine, aka LOL, aka Peachy, aka Pay Llewol..."
     "AHAHAHAHAHA!" sputtered the clown, who ran out of the pizza place shrieking bloody murder and other unintelligible statements.
     "Pizza's done," spoke Madhu.
     "I'll cut it!" offered Annoying, brandishing a protractor.
     "Did somebody offer to cut something?" spoke Psycho, who had just returned. "Did I miss anything?"
     "What had another clown run-in," explained Drum Boy.
     Psycho shuddered.
     "Well, let's get eating, guys. We have a full weekend of hunting ahead of us!" promised GOD. The group sat down together to enjoy Madhu's pizza.

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