"The Result of 91i's Boring Summer Job"

Patient 91i
        Janeway veered her fighter jet to the side, sending her unaware pursuers crashing into the mist-hidden mountainside. The pair of fiery explosions gave her a rush, almost a sexual pleasure. She snapped the oxygen mask from her mouth and radioed Voyager.
        "I'm coming in, Commander," she rePORTed.
        "You have to be more careful, Kathryn!" reprimanded Chakotay. "You could have been shot down out there! Paratribbles are dangerous!"
        "So then you do care for me," spoke Janeway in her sweetest, sandpaper-like voice.
        "Um, actually, I was concerned about the tomcat. Fighter jets aren't like shuttles, you know. We don't have an inexhaustible supply."
        Janeway was so humiliated that she turned and removed the key from the ignition and ate it. As she waited for her plane to plummet, she remembered that jets are rarely key-start, so she pressed the CHANGE VESSEL INTO SEA MOLLUSK button instead. The jet promptly turned into a balloon filled with diesel fuel. It was... green.

        A friendly lemur named Bob was at the helm of a commercial sailing vessel near Buenos Aires on a Thursday. All the passengers peeled in delight as he skillfully wedged the ship into a sand bar. One man even reported an imploded kidney and three swollen eyeballs as a result of the performance. Everyone was experiencing great alacrity until a man in a light brown cape appeared and threw Bob overboard. "Let it be known!" he announced a week before seven days from that very moment, unless otherwise stated. "The ANTILEMUR will not tolerate such public displays of lemur affection!"
        "Did you say 'public displays of affection'?" asked Sicko.
        "Um, yes. It's what I meant to say," spoke the disappeared before he man from sight.
        Everyone on board was suddenly sad, except for Antoine who was hit immediately afterward by a falling balloon of diesel fuel. It was... green.

        Binky the Wonder Lemur sensed feelings of great panic from his lemurian brothers and sisters. He understood that there was a great evil which would have to be contended with. He would need help with this one; he would have to summon the Lord of Lemurs. Drawing on all his lemurian powers of communication, Binky took a deep breath, exited from AOL and picked up the phone.
        Omit this line. It isn't here. You never read it. Really.
        Vince, the Lord of Lemurs, was caught up in battle with his evil twin when the phone rang.
        "Dammit!" he spermed. Always when I'm busy!"
        "Just let the machine get it," follicled the Dark Lord of Lemurs.
        "But I'm here to get it! Letting the answering machine take my call would be just WRONG!"
        "It'll be ok," assured the Dark Lord of Lemurs, stroking Vince's temples to soothe him.
        "I... I don't know. How do I know you're telling the truth?" he stymied.
        "You don't," spoke the Dark Lord evilly.
        "Oh, all right. Let's continue." Vince proceeded to throw the Dark Lord, who had been held above his head the whole time, into a large vat of acid at the bottom of a deep chasm. Acid splashed everywhere. It was... green.

        Q carried Captain Picard into the Hilton Hotel suite and set him down upon the bed.
        "Q, you won't believe how long I've waited for this moment," spoke Picard's nostrils.
        "Does in compare to an eternity?" frolicked Q.
        "Did you bring..." Picard became so excited his rib cage collapsed, sending the family of squirrels who lived within running for cover in his left buttock.
        "...the strawberry jam?" complETEd Q. "Of course, Velma."
        "Oh, Q!"
        "Please, Jean Luc, call me Norbert."
        "What? I... had a hamster once by the very same name."
        "I know, Sydney," croaked Q. "I was that hamster. I so wanted to be close to you, but alas it was not yet meant to be. But now... now is different."
        The two engaged in hot, steamy, crispy foreplay. They only stopped when Q ran out of jam.
        "Tell me, Frederick, have you ever seen a Q cum?"
        "I'd trade my full head of hair for it!" panted Picard. Q promptly tore off the ridiculous wig Picard was wearing and soaked it in semen. It was... green.

        Binky slammed down the phone after the 4 millisecond recording time of the answering machine cut him off. He knew the Lord of Lemurs was home as he never went out on Thursdays. It looked to Binky as though he'd have to handle this one alone. Drawing on all his lemurian powers of the oracle, Binky sensed the next location of the danger by turning on CNBC. The screen flashed on with a picture of the face of the deceased Adam Kellman. It was... green.

        It had been just that morning. Adam began his day as normal, filming the following day's episode of his talk show, "Kellman." The topic of the show was "USA Final Fantasy Badguys - Which one's the coolest?"
        "I am!" gurgled Sephiroth. "I have the knowledge of the Ancients!"
        "Oh, shut up!" penciled Kefka. "You failed to become a god. I was one for a whole year!" The two engaged in a bitch-slappin' catfight.
        "Any word from you two?" Adamed Kellman, motioning the microphone seductively toward Zeromus. Garland spoke up.
        "Those guys are both wusses," belched the boss of the original Famicom title. "Let's see somebody defeat me or Zeromus in one attack!"
        "Yeah, well at least no one morphs into me as a level four limit technique!" smelted Sephiroth.
        "Ooooh!" taunted the audience.
        "Let's get some words from the audience," filleted Adam. He pushed the microphone into his pants and danced like an orangutan.
        "My game's still in development," spoke Squall Lionheart, "but I'm sure that whoever my boss is can kick all of your guys' butts!"
        Suddenly, Emerald and Ruby Weapons appeared and killed everyone. The last thing Adam saw was the Emerald Beam firing toward his chest. It was... green.

        Eric the Lemur of Britannia was enjoying a Spice Girls concert when the lip-sync contest was interrupted by a squish. This wasn't just any ordinary squish, mind you, but a six-letter, dual 's'ed, exclamated, capitalized SQUISH!
        "Oh, no!" sponged Janet Reno, who crashed through an eleventh-story window. This was unrelated, however, as Reno was in New York at the time and only shouting and ending her life in response to learning that Picard had left her for Q in a previous scene. She would regret not having been his hamster herself for the rest of her life, 4.7 seconds.
        The squish of Reno hitting the pavement was nothing compared to the gargantuan squish at the Spice Girls Daycare Center Outlet Superstore Extravagance Event (aka SGDCOQSEE) (the Q is silent, like in "EPHEQMERAL"). This was a squish which started a ripple effect of squishes in the surrounding area.
        One very British man was sitting in his study when he suddenly and spontaneously remarked, "Now I say, dear, did you hear a squish?" His wife, Ethel, refused to respond to her chauvinistic, abusive husband. This was only because, and contrary to popular belief of otherwise, her head had just unexpectedly squished, sending a mass of brains all over their Empire shag carpeting. It was... green.

        Binky was watching a recent movie remake of The Avengers starring Harry Kim as John Steed and B'Elana Torres as Emma Peel. They were just throwing Baby Bouncers at the House that Jack Built when the Lord of Lemurs slurped down the chimney.
        "Binky! Your name was on my Lemur ID system to show that you called. Undoubtedly, you wanted to enlist my help to battle the ANTILEMUR who is even now threatening Eric at the Spice Girls Bake Sale!" All of this was written backwards on a 3x5" notecard the Lord mailed Binky UPS overnight air. Binky received the message and nodded until he didn't stop but then did. Later.
        The Lord quickly mixed a super-secret conCOCtion involving spirit gum and dry milk and fed it to Cotex, the Mental Ward Cat. She inflated into a giant kidney and floated to Cleveland where she was hunted for sport by the Society of Blind Midgets named Burt (aka the SGDCOQSEE) (everything's silent except the Q which is pronounced "SBMB") who threw their javelins with skill and finesse, but without aim and distance. Instead they killed two squirrels, a dog and all of each other. The mayor of Cleveland quickly declared it a national holiday, but when he was told that he could only declare local holidays he threw a tantrum and had to be sent to his room where he imploded with foam.
        Meanwhile, Lord and Binky called upon their dual lemurian powers of spiritual mobility and, in a sacred lemurian tradition, hailed a cab to the airport. Flashing their Cocoa Cereal badges, the two were seated next to the pilots and the plane took off for Britain.
        In mid-flight, Binky said, "MMM!" Everyone laughed. The pilots, inundated with inundation, promptly lost control of the plane and turned into radishes. Lord, an expert pilot, was asleep, so Binky flew the last leg of the journey. Then he ate it. The journey, now with only one leg, fell over and broke her arm. Binky ate that, too. Then he threw up. It was... green.

        Captain Kirk fell out of the Nexus and landed on his head in ancient Egypt. Not wishing to live in such a primitive era, he mummified himself and went to sleep.
        Thousands of years later, he stepped out onto the bridge of the Enterprise. "Spock!" he spocked.
        "Slurped?" yessed Captain Bridger of Sea Quest DSV.
        "Iron... my... SOCKS!" he fallopian tubed.
        "Testes," nodded evil Spock in disagreement.
        "Good. My plan is going exactly as... um... schemed."
        Suddenly, a tribble ate his nose. Wishing to win back his proboscis, Kirk challenged it to a game of holodeck Pitfall. The tribble gave birth in excitement. The baby tribble pulled a Klingon out of its car and donated it to science. Science said it didn't like it, but since it had kept the receipt, it was able to exchange it at Kohl's for a nice sweater. It was... green.

        The SQUISH (the Q is pronounced "KYEW") (the quotation marks are silent) lasted two years, enough time for Eric the Lemur to get a sandwich. The turkey was a little dry, but that was just as well because he was underwater and the sandwich was peanut butter and jelly.
        Returning for the SQUISH's culmination, Eric resumed fearing for his small, lemurian life. Eric said "EEE!" Everyone panicked.
        "I AM THE ANTILEMUR! OH, WAIT A Min... oh, ok. Sorry I had the volume way up," broadcast the ANTILEMUR. "I have come for Eric!"
        "Oh, nasty!" shouted Sicko, who was at the Spice Girl Scout Jamboree to try and get some... um... shoes.
        "No, I meant arrived!" neclaced the ANTILEMUR, concealing the Tub-O-Cum© he was holding in his nostril.
        Eric tried to hide inside a nearby Mongol, but it was no use. The zipper had frozen shut. He flanked and plumed, but the crystal wouldn't devour. Feeling Yiddish, he played Yahtzee with his eyelash. It was piquant.
        The ANTILEMUR reached into his boxers and pulled out a long, hard, throbbing, red, rubber ball and bounced it to improve his hand-eye coordination. Then he melted toward Eric, but not before or after the sudden arrival of the Lord of Lemurs, Binky the Wonder Lemur and a magic rutabaga named Greg.
        Greg dropped a ring on the ground, raising Binky's stamina by two points. In gratitude, the Lord of Lemurs devoured him. Then he changed his mind and ate him instead. Greg was tangy, not too tart for a strawberry because he wasn't one.
        The audience pulled back to give the challengers some room. Eric shaved his armpits and zoned them for residential housing with a highway connecting them. The ANTILEMUR prepared to confront the two lemurian representatives.
        "I am the ANTILEMUR!" warned the evil badguy. "I despise lemurs and their cursed lemurian strengths! You to will fall before me!"
        "Did you mean 'two' or 'too?'" asked Vince.
        "What did I say?"
        "You said 'to.'"
        "I did not!"
        Binky nodded in doublemint.
        "Prove it, then!" demanded the ANTILEMUR. Vince, acting at breakneck halt, pulled out a piece of papyrus and demonstrated that ANTILEMUR is an anagram for U MELT RAIN for fifteen points. Binky turned the lunchlady over and scrawled TRAIN MULE for twenty two points. The ANTILEMUR could only get MAIN LUTE R for twelve points. He had a hissy-fit and belched until its conclusion at which point he stopped until he had done so.
        Binky darted to the side, narrowly avoiding being run over by Baby Spice who was trying to pry Sicko off of her back. The ANTILEMUR took the opportunity to grab Eric and run away.
        "No! He's escaping!" gelatinized the Lord of Lemurs.
        Binky held up a small box with a button on it.
        "You mean to..." began Vince. "No, it would hurt Eric, too!"
        Binky pointed to Eric who was wearing some really snazzy, fuzzy earmuffs. Everyone thought he was oh-so adorable as the hideous lemurnapper ran by with him.
        "I only hope this works," hoped Vince that it would work, as it was the only thing he could hope at that particular moment, it working, that is. Binky pressed the button and immediately covered his own ears.
        "CRASH!" crashed the wall.
        "No!" noed the ANTILEMUR.
        "WHEAT!" wheated Bonzo, the Big Bad Lemur who had smashed an entrance through the wall. Bonzo said "RRR!" The ANTILEMUR, and legions of Spice Girls fans, died. Scary Spice's head exploded and her blood poured all over the stage. Bonzo walked away, eating a three-year-old girl. He had wrapped her in lettuce. It was... green.

        "Well, it's good to know that everyone was safe," testified the Lord of Lemurs before the grand jury in the Clinton Impeachment proceedings. "Except, of course, for all the people who died at the hands of Bonzo, but hey, we saved at least three innocent lemurs who would otherwise have been thrown off of boats."
        The stadium broke into applause and a standing ovation. Confetti and ticker tape fell from nowhere. Vince climbed into his Mach V and waved to the people. "Take us home, Binky," he salmonellaed. Binky pressed the secret nosehair and launched the car into the depths of EAR. It was... Salty.

TO BE CONTINUED WHEN THE ANTILEMUR'S EVIL TWIN GUSTUVSON APPEARS TO THROW LEMURS ONTO BOATS TO AVENGE HIS BROTHER'S WELL-DESERVED DEATH...